Employee handbook
Dress code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci
bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a
raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you
dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not
need a raise.
Sick days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to
work.
Personal days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are
called Saturday and Sunday.
Bereavement leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can
do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to
have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.
We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently
leave one hour early.
Restroom use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There
is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door
will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture
will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders"
category.
Lunch breaks
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat
more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch
to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5
minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim
Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to
provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, and input should be
directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week!
THE
MANAGEMENT
